Monday, April 10, 2006
Most of the time I visit this place for a thought vomit. To open up my brain and go 'blergh... okay, that felt good". I always tend to make positive or utterly irrelevant, silly statements, as hard as that is for me because my brain errs on the side of bleak and melancholy, sometimes even self indulgently maudlin. This time it feels like it's going to be hard to put a positive spin on. Feel free to tell me to step back and get some perspective but with a brain like mine its all I ever do. To stop myself from being selfish and feeling sorry for myself or feeling anything but good things towards other human beings. I step back, I take into account all the things that are going on in my life and theirs and can understand anything because I know we are all human. We make mistakes and we are not perfect. I make mistakes. I am not perfect. Right now my brain feels like a flooded street where you can't see the road signs. So, stop reading now or go call me a waaaaahmbulance. Because I've decided to let it out.
At the beginning of this year I let my guard down and explored a part of myself that I had always neglected. I met someone and I let them in. Freely. Unguardedly. It wasn't hard. Everything about them, talking to them, being near them, made me feel comfortable and happy and the feelings that I developed for them developed almost imperceptibly. The feelings were so natural and so involuntary. They still are.
Today, I can't stop wondering what has happened. I stayed late at work because I didn't want to think about it. I got home and poured myself a glass of wine, dyed my hair and danced ridiculously to Bloc Party in an effort to blank it out. That's what I do. I bottle up. Pfft! Who needs to know my problems? So I step back. Get some perspective. I see it so clearly from their perspective. Because I'm so endlessly curious as to all sides to the story. Which means I can understand why I don't get to hang out anymore. It also means I don't understand why at all.
So. This. This is what has made me the most incredulous:
I'm 'too good'.
For the past week or so, I've been hearing that a bit. From my gorgeous friends who gave to me their time and attention and sat and listened to me try and work out what was happening. What was going on. Because the feelings and situation is so new to me that I coudn't contain it myself. I had no control. I spilled over and they were there. I love them for it.
Then last night; being told I was too good sounded so completely unattractive. So completely boring.
Because it was the reason.
I'm a fallible and awkward and ridiculous human being. I might somehow fit the description of a good person if you squint at me. It has nothing to do with wanting to do the right thing or keeping up appearances. I tried that years ago and I suck at fitting in. It has more to do with being shy. Being socially inept. Being scared. I always have been of anything new and anything that feels out of control. Of feeling just. like. this.
If my being shy comes across as arrogance, my social ineptitude as me being a snob or my being scared as me being judgemental; maybe stick to that. Because right now I'd almost prefer that to being told I'm too good again. Because fitting the description of being good has served as a detriment to the continuation of something (I thought was) real and just starting between two people. And that sucks.
*The situation has been REALLY oversimplified here. This is all just my frustration. It's all up in the air and I am holding on to a very little thin twisty twine-like thread of hope. I'll only let it go when I'm told to. Because I happen to think it's worth it. I just wish I could do something if some sort of support is required. How funny, in hindsight, was it for me to choose "I Know It's Over" for the last post...